Forget Happinness - Pursue Meaning
What is happiness? Should we even strive for it?
During the past decade or so I have seen countless books about happiness, good life, and positive psychology. In a way this does not surprise me given how hectic our lives have become and how stressful the modern work environment can be. At the same time most of us have more leisure time than ever before - the amount of which depends on our education and socioeconomic status. The mechanisation of many previously time-consuming jobs, like agriculture and domestic chores, has reduced the number of hours per day people spend working. Nevertheless, more leisure time does not automatically mean more happiness. Moreover, the standard of living has increased all over the world. We have more options than ever before to choose how we want to live our lives. The question remains: Why are addictions and depression going through the roof? Why do so many people say they are unhappy or dissatisfied with their lives even though all our basic needs are covered?
There’s no one clear definition of happiness. Humans are quite dissimilar. We often share goals in the most general sense, for example we want to avoid pain, have food and water, take shelter, feel safe, and so on. I believe it’s better to focus on our overall well-being. But how can we experience the feeling of inner peace or joy or contentment?
Common Misconceptions
We cannot be happy all the time even though we are often made to believe in hedonic or euphoric happiness. A good life is not devoid of disappointments, failures, or challenges. If we didn’t have any negative experiences and feelings, how could we even tell the difference when we are happy? Negative and even painful experiences can be powerful teachers: in the right amounts they can make us stronger and motivate us to create something bigger than ourselves.
This is the reason why I like the concept of eudaimonic happiness which is about finding meaning and purpose in life. Both self-fulfilment and self-improvement are part of it. Like hedonic happiness it’s a broad definition. To put simply, eudaimonic happiness is about designing your life for long-term flourishing whereas hedonic happiness is about seeking short-term gratification.
In the Diary of a CEO Dr. Rober Waldinger discussed the things that we are the most wrong about: fame, wealth, and badges of achievement. Our culture loves them because they are measurable and quantifiable but with these naturally come comparisons which tend to make us less happy. Today almost in any field the ceiling is so high that almost no one will ever hit it. Due to technological innovations your competition is not only your small village or city but often the entire world. There’s always someone richer (or potentially richer), more beautiful, more intelligent, more talented, more this and more that. Not all comparisons are bad, though. They can be effective if they motivate and make you work harder towards your goal. Having other people as inspiration is great: you often learn and copy at least some of their skills and then can pivot your own.
In the era of social media comparisons can be particularly challenging when we see perfectly curated lives. I don’t see social media or technology in general as a bad thing. If used smartly, social media can serve as a source of inspiration and information, and as a tool to connect with people. There’s one big caveat though: we need to learn to manage it, otherwise it will manage our minds and control our focus. If social media only makes you feel miserable, it’s better to reevaluate your relationship with it and consider taking a break.
The big issue today is that many of us have become addicted to dopamine, which is something Dr. Anna Lembke explains in her book Dopamine Nation: we are constantly looking for pleasure and satisfaction and want to avoid pain at all costs. If we want to achieve anything significant in life we need to accept the fact that the world is a hard place and the only way to move forward is to work and do your best, feel the pain, and still keep pushing through. As Dr. Anna Lembke, psychiatrist and author, explains on the Huberman Lab our modern life is really boring because our survival needs are met - given that we have enough financial resources - and it has become hard in a weird way. As she says, “we are all forced to make stuff up” because almost everything is ready.
Can Money Buy Happiness?
In our world we need money to at least cover our basic needs like shelter, food, and clothing. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, people must first ensure their survival and safety before they can shift their focus and energy on needs that fuel their personal growth and happiness. Money is a medium of exchange and we all need it to trade to acquire goods and services that we cannot produce ourselves or get for free.
Money can buffer stress when the curveball of life hits. With money you can also access better health care and education, you can broaden your mindset by travelling, and make new social connections in places where you couldn’t go without money. You can have a higher quality of life. Consequently, in my opinion, money can buy happiness to some extent.
Morgan Housel argues in his book, The Psychology of Money, that the best thing money can bring is freedom: time is a precious thing and when you can control your time and choose what you do, when and where you do it, you start to feel more free. Aim to gain control of your time because that’s the universal tool to increase happiness. Among many valuable lessons in his book is the difference between wealthy and rich. Rich is a current income. Wealth covers financial assets that haven’t yet been converted into material things, and the only way to become wealthy is not to spend all the money that you have. Therefore, wealth is hidden. The most powerful thing to become a better investor is to increase your time horizon: become more patient because time is the most powerful thing in investing due to compounding interest.
Saving and investing are very similar to exercising and eating healthier. It’s easy to start and do something for a short-term, but making it a lifestyle or way of living requires self-control and discipline. When you master self-control - or learn to manage your mind, emotions, cravings, and tendencies - you start to feel empowered, strong, and even happy.
How much money we need depends on various things, such as where you live, your lifestyle preferences, inflation, and so on. At least you want to have your basic needs covered, have an emergency fund, and keep on saving and investing monthly in your future. As Dan Buettner explains, our happiness or life satisfaction depends on various elements, and our environment and financial wellbeing are part of it. Millionaires are generally happier than those who make $30,000 a year but there’s a cap: happiness may not rise indefinitely with income. This cutoff point is called income satiation. However, a recent study found out that “experiencing well-being” can continue to rise with income well beyond $200,000. This study by Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel-Prize winning economist and psychologist, and Matthew Killingsworth, found that happiness continues to rise with income even in the high range of income for the vast majority of people, and conclude that for most people larger incomes are associated with higher happiness to varying degrees. They emphasise though, which we all should remember, that money is only one of the many determinants of happiness.
Find Your Mission
Find your mission, or purpose, and have a good intention behind it. When you find your ultimate mission, life becomes meaningful. And when life is meaningful you can experience joy. More importantly your mission ignites your inner fire that will guide you through the darkest hours in life. Life is never easy, and the higher you aim, the more challenging the journey is going to be.
There is energy in this Universe and like attracts like, which is why we all should do good things. The fascinating thing is that when you do good, that tends to come back and multiply. A meaningful job can make us happy. Likewise your meaning can come from many other sources: like serving and helping in your community, raising your children and grandchildren, or building an organisation, or inventing something new.
Nurture Your Relationships
The psychiatrist Robert Waldinger and the clinical psychologist Marc Schulz have studied the lifetimes of thousands of people over the course of 85 years, called "The Harvard Study of Adult Development” to find out what makes people live happier and longer lives. In this interview Waldinger shared some of their key findings: good relationships were the strongest predictor of who was going to be happy and healthy as they grew old. Social fitness - or cultivating and maintaining positive connections to other people - is as least as important as proper nutrition, physical activity, adequate sleep, and the avoidance of harmful habits such as smoking.
In our individualistic and hypercompetitive societies it’s easy to take our relationships for granted. Even perfect friendships wither away from neglect. Sense of disconnection has increased for decades. Loneliness is a stressor and this explains why our relationships are so powerful: they help us manage stress when we have someone to talk to. If you don’t have people around you, you will have higher levels of circulating stress hormones and inflammation which systematically over time wear away many body systems. On a regular basis we should check in without ourselves and look at our relationships and ask whether we should strengthen some of the existing ones or create new connections.
We need all forms of social interaction, everything from more superficial and brief, to longer and deep interactions. We get the most benefits from real connections, presence, and eye contact. There is something special about intimate relationships but you can get the benefits without a romantic partner as long as you have someone trustworthy - someone you can always call and rely on. According to their findings married couples are more likely to live longer but marriage does guarantee happiness; You can end up being lonely in a relationship.
We are all different and have our unique needs. I believe it’s important to stay independent even in romantic relationships so that you are aware of who you are, you maintain your sense of self-worth and control over the choices that have significance in your life because this sense of control, responsibility, and ownership of your life makes us feel stronger and capable.
Take Care of Your Body
Physical health, staying mobile and unassisted, certainly is part of our long-term well-being and good life. Health and happiness go hand in hand, and people with higher levels of optimism tend to live longer and are more likely to live past 85. Study after study has proven how physical activities also improve our mental health and support our cognitive function. If you want to have a good life, you should commit to moving your body daily. Everything counts: walking, gardening, dancing, carrying groceries… Forget the all-or-nothing thinking. The importance of physical activity is easy to ignore when you are relatively young, and mobile, but as we age we start to see significant differences between individuals.
Practise Mindfulness
The best tools to cultivate peace of mind and bring more joy into your daily life is to commit to mindfulness practices. Journaling is amazing: write down everything and anything that runs through your mind. Let it flow! Especially when I struggle with something, feel lost or sad, I like to write. I start to feel better immediately. It’s like organising a messy house. You often come to realise that things aren’t as bad as they first seem. You could also pause and disconnect from all your devices and create a sacred space for stillness and for yourself to meditate.
Mindfulness is about observing yourself as separate from your thoughts, emotions, and sensations - including pain. Observing what our brain is doing while it’s doing it, without judgement. What makes mindfulness practices, like meditation and yoga, so powerful is that they can dissolve our ego. Our ego is like a character: the border between us and our subconscious, and it has all kinds of defences that are supposed to help us. When you learn to put your ego aside for a period of time you can look at yourself and your life more objectively.
When we learn to manage our mind, we can see, feel and experience that we are not our feelings, emotions, thoughts, or the current situation. We learn to see that we are part of the eternal universe. That’s very humbling: and all of a sudden our problems no longer feel like problems. We start to see endless possibilities and opportunities. We start to feel joy and gratitude for being alive.
It's never too late to create a better life: have real human connections and start to share your unique gifts with the world!
Sending you so much love and peace!
RESOURCES
Articles:
Blue Zones: 9 Questions for Dan Buettner: Happiness Lessons from the Happiest Places in the World
The Washington Post: Can Money buy happiness? Scientists say it can.
Books:
Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence by Anna Lembke, MD
The Psychology of Money: Timeless Lessons on Wealth, Greed, and Happiness by Morgan Housel
Videos: