Lessons Learned From Dating With An Open Mind
This blog post was inspired by the upcoming Valentine’s Day and is more based on my real life experiences. Love, sex and relationships are topics almost everyone is interested in and yet, many feel uncomfortable talking about. Ironically, we are taught very little about relationships at school or even at home. Where do you get your education from? Learning by trial and error, watching movies and porn, following media, or from friends? No wonder so many of us feel lost and confused.
This information is shared to challenge the myths and beliefs we are told about love and relationships. I am not a relationship therapist so, please do not use this information as a substitute for counseling with a therapist or industry experts.
Background
Here’s the thing, I’m a free spirit, curious and a little bit rebellious but certainly not bad. I love to question many things and learn through experience before making conclusions. I do acknowledge my privileges to do so; I have always been pretty free to choose the way I want to live my life, and I do understand that this isn't the case for everyone. What works for me, may not work for you, and vice versa.
The Question: Why Am I Still Single?
The question is a bit funny, and I hear it a lot. Maybe I watched too much Sex and the City growing up. The truth is, I have a meaningful life, and several projects keep me busy. I can do things I’m passionate about without asking a permission, and I’m free to date who ever I want. I have lived abroad and met inspiring people. In my 20s I needed to do my inner work, and learn to be at peace with myself. Also, how can you even know what would serve you when you are not even aware of different options and have very little life experience? Or at least I didn’t know. This wouldn’t have happened if I had tied myself to a monogamous, traditional relationship and had babies on top. If that has worked for you, awesome. The concept of a soulmate or ”the one” is odd. As if love was a limited nature resource!
The main reasons why I ”haven’t found” a long term partner are that my life has been in constant change, or that there’s been major differences in values and goals in life. Or very different lifestyle choices. For instance, a healthy way of living can be ”too strange and weird” for hardcore meat-eaters and coach potatoes. I have also experienced significant cultural differences in the way women are treated, and it’s not always all good.
Infidelity And The Changing Relationships - What Is Natural After All
Relationships have drastically changed over time. For instance, according to the psychotherapist Esther Perel, marriage used to be a pragmatic, economic institution and had nothing to do with love. It wasn’t until quite recently when we added the romantic aspect to marriage influenced by Hollywood movies and romantic novels. Today we are asking from one person what once an entire village used to provide: love, sex, support as well as friendship. Please, please do not overwhelm your partner with all your challenges or interests that they have zero interest in. Stay in touch with your friends. As Perel advises, you need mystery and intimacy to keep a relationship alive. Like she often says, the most common reason for infidelity is that the person who ended up in an affair wanted to feel alive again. I highly recommend reading Perel’s book, The State of Affairs, and listening to her podcast show. And if you think monogamous, long-term relationships are the only ”right” and ”natural” way of living, think again. As an interesting resource I recommend exploring a book by Christopher Ryan, Sex At Dawn.
Dating Apps DOs And DON’Ts
Personally I prefer meeting people in real life versus via apps. I have met people in all kinds of places: cafe shops, bus stops, social events - you name it. Since we live the year 2021, dating apps are a powerful tool if used wisely. I have only used the legendary Tinder and that’s enough trouble for me. Despite being single most of my adult-life I didn’t become a Tinderella until August 2018. I resisted it because I didn’t like its superficial nature. However, in a new city and with hectic life it turned out to be a valuable tool to meet new people and visit new places. Moreover, I think it can work well for shy people who wouldn’t approach people otherwise. But there are some major drawbacks, like ending up in a Tinder-limbo and paradox-of-choice. A tip from Dr. Helen Fisher: stop at 9 matches and try to get to know at least one of them well.
So how to make a profile? Wednesday Martin, PhD, and Whitney Miller made a brilliant episode recently with a dating coach Damona Hoffman. The main question is what you look for. Are you looking for a long term partner? Friends with benefits? Or something else? Sounds almost like creating a marketing campaign! If you are looking for a long term partner, you don’t necessarily want to only rely on superficial things like your enhanced lips, champagne bottles and parties. On the other hand, if you are just looking for a fun sugar-babe, then of course posing against your Lamborghini will be a magnet for miracles. Clearly, there isn’t just one way of doing this dating thing.
Here’s some general tips to polish your profile:
DOs
Have a few quality photos taken by someone else
Write a nice brief bio describing who you are, your personality, passions and values in life
Show your uniqueness something that makes you stand out from the crowd
Be positive
DON’Ts
Selfies
Swear words or negative attitude
Describing your dream partner instead of describing who you are
Narcissism
Lying about your relationship status, age, intentions, etc.
Too many filters, overly photoshopped or out-dated photos
When it comes to photos and messaging remember this mantra: ”Desperate isn’t sexy”. It’s good to make sure the person is a decent citizen before meeting them. Anyone can be on Tinder. For the actual date, dress nicely, be kind, be you. If the person isn't what you were looking, it’s better to be honest and communicate it in a sophisticated manner. If you aren’t honest, you just make things worse and waste your and others’ precious time. If it doesn’t feel right, things are probably not right. Move on.
Breaking The Stereotypes - Dating Outside The Box
If you are curious and want to learn more about life, I recommend forgetting ideal partner wish lists. With a long list of requirements and expectations you may miss out of meeting your potential partner. True, big differences, like massive age gaps, can create challenges but it doesn’t need to be that way. Not every date needs to lead to a marriage and kids! It can be a fun learning experience. To me a person themselves and their attitude, growth mindset, and thrive are way more important factors than looks, merits or status symbols. One of my best dates was with an almost two decades older gentleman. This intelligent and successful investor had founded and sold several companies. Just his mindset and positive attitude towards life was super inspiring. When you meet people from very different backgrounds you can notice hidden biases you still have. Consequently, I have come to realize that there are different ways of living and viewing the world, and understand that what we are taught is not always true or right.
Insecurities And Jealousy Kill Love
To receive and give love, you need to fall in love with yourself first, and have healthy level of confidence - not too little, not too much. Nothing is as miserable as deeply insecure people who need constant validation. I once made a mistake dating a deeply narcissistic person. Grandiose narcissists love to talk about their achievements, and how much good they do in this world. Deep under they are very insecure and jealous. They will tell you how they ”have built everything on their own”. They can be very charming and love-bombing at the beginning. Then everything changes: they will suck all your life energy, show their darkest side by gaslighting and lying - you don’t want to get there! They need constant validation: no matter how many positive, supportive words you pour in it’s never going to be enough. The awful thing is that these type of toxic individuals will start criticizing and blaming their partners. They think they are always right. Narcissist want to be and demand to be in control. They will twist everything, and eventually make you doubt your own sanity. If you are just dating them and don’t have children together, the best and easiest way out is to cut them out of your life completely. They are very unlikely to ever change. Dr Ramani Dhurvasula has talked on several podcasts about these type of challenging individuals and how to deal with them.
At the opposite end of spectrum, someone can have severe body image issues and be a very kind human being. These kinds of people will hugely struggle in relationships. Being intimate is going to be a mission impossible: if you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, your partner will feel uncomfortable with you too. We always radiate energy around us. If you have body image issues, you need to do your inner-work first and learn to show your vulnerability. Sometimes going through your past traumas, and doing all healing work required is going to be a painful journey. If you ever want to experience all shades of love, you will need to walk that path. And that work is worth doing, no matter how painful it’s going to be. You will become so much stronger, wiser and finally experience genuine joy in life.
I’m extremely grateful for all the people I have met along my journey because every single one of them has been a ”teacher”.
Please leave a comment below and share your experiences and thoughts!
Love is infinite. Keep sharing it.
RESOURCES:
Articles:
The New Yorker: Love Is Not A Permanent State Of Enthusiasm: An Interview With Esther Perel
15 Signs You Are Dealing With A Narcissist
NYTimes: How Coronavirus Is Changing The Dating Came For The Better
Books:
The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel
Podcasts:
True Sex & Wild Love: Dating Coach Damona Hoffman Gives Us ALL The Tips