Why Shared Values and Political Views Matter in Romantic Relationships

INSPIRATIONWELL-BEING
Written By Elina Vuorela

Shared values and political views help to build a successful romantic relationship. Every relationship has conflicts around values sooner or later and they come out in different situations. When it comes to choosing a romantic partner, something that is a major deal breaker for you, could be on someone else’s must-have list. We can and we should be as picky as we like when looking for a long-term romantic partner. Undoubtedly it’s a very different story whether you ever find anyone who ticks the boxes on your relationship checklist. Even if you weren’t interested in politics, you still hold certain values and beliefs that likely affect your choices and actions - whether you realize this or not. Maybe you are open to dating people across the political spectrum but the last few years of extreme polarization have made you more cautious of people in the other party. We tend to link political views to values, morals, and ethics. Core values and politics are not always mutually exclusive. We don’t need our romantic partner to agree with us on everything, but on certain things that are close to our heart common ground is arguably essential. 

In this blog post I am going to focus on shared values and politics, and explain why they have a significant role in romantic relationships, and what we can do when our values and ideologies don’t match. I’ll also discuss the interesting global phenomenon: the expanding ideological gap between young men and women.

Political polarization in the dating world 

Today politics is so much more than which party you choose to vote for, and many topics can get polarized such as climate change, gender and sex debate, reproductive rights, affirmative action, social welfare programs, immigration, religion, and so forth. Artificial intelligence and social media algorithms create highly personalized content that can show up all over the internet - including social media - based on our past behavior, interests and interactions. We often see more extreme content because it keeps us engaged and scrolling. The content we see has an impact on how we think and form opinions. We see mostly content that reinforces our existing views and opinions rather than being exposed to new ideas and perspectives. Consequently, we can easily end up living in our own “bubbles”. 

At our workplace and hobbies we come across all kinds of people from different cultural and religious backgrounds who hold different values and political views to us, and despite that we should accept individual diversity and treat each other with respect and without discrimination. Romantic relationships are a very different story because the goal is to build a life together. We should find someone with whom we have a shared vision. Showing appreciation and not taking our partner for granted is essential, and so is accepting that our views may differ. When we have honest, open conversations, we can gain new ideas, and ways of looking at things which can bring both of us closer to the truth. However, arguing with someone all the time quickly becomes exhausting. The rise in political polarization may help to explain why we seek for political similarity in our romantic relationships. 

There is an increasing number of single people who would decline to date anyone who did not share their political views and the number has been increasing. For instance, a survey by Pew Research Center in 2019, showed that many single people in the U.S looking for a relationship would not want to date someone who voted for the candidate of the opposing party in the 2016 presidential election. After a brief search I found that growing political intolerance can also be seen in Europe, and as Marjorie Libourel, a Brussels-based matchmaker and relationship expert said: “I would never match a Tory with a vegan Marxist who doesn’t believe in capitalism - there’s no way it’s going to work.”

Whether you are interested in politics or not, you still likely have opinions and beliefs about various topics. In general those leaning to the left have a tendency to believe in more progressive ideas and promote income equality, universal healthcare, social justice, internationalism, and environmental justice. Whereas those tilting to the right tend to be more conservative, and believe in a limited form of government, free market capitalism, private property rights, low taxation, and nationalism.  

I want to highlight here that the left-right political spectrum is only one way of classifying things in politics. The majority of citizens are likely to be more moderate and fall somewhere in between the two extremes. A group or an individual may take a left-wing stance on one matter, and a right-wing stance on another.

Our political views and core values share similarities but they are not exactly the same thing. Core values can be defined as our guiding principles that shape our actions, behaviors, and decision making. Our core values help us to differentiate between “good” and “bad”. Political beliefs can certainly reflect one’s personal values, but not always - especially if their personal values and political beliefs aren’t even clear to themselves. Having real personal values or principles requires a lot of work and discipline to live by. When it comes to politics, it’s worth mentioning that not everyone has the interest to dig deeper than the mainstream headlines. Instead many of us only react to the most immediate concerns or to what we have heard in the media - and act based on that. This is especially true if one wants to identify with a particular group of people or follow a trend. 

Our values and political beliefs can change. I’ve always been very curious and enjoy reading books and watching documentaries on various political, and philosophical topics. In my late teens I became very concerned about global warming (thanks to the climate change activism that the former Vice President Al Gore reinforced with his movie Inconvenient Truth back in 2006), human rights (book No Logo by Naomi Klein) and animal rights (film Earthlings by Shaun Monson, and the book Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer) to the point that I almost started seeing humans as the most evil race. I didn’t identify myself with any specific political party at that time but now that I look back I can see that I was definitely struggling with liberal/ or even leftist ideas even though I never voted for or supported any leftist political parties. Taken to the extreme, the leftist way of looking at the world can become very depressing and there are even studies proving that liberals are more likely to suffer from depression and report lower levels of happiness and psychological well-being than conservatives. A stereotypical leftist hates capitalism, and the wealthy, and wants to punish them with heavy taxation and legislation. They like to play the victim instead of taking ownership of their choices and life in general. 

Life is never fair, and never will be. I like to believe that we can always change our lives for the better - but in order to do so we need to overcome the victim mentality, because it is very paralyzing and keeps us small. Instead we should choose to become heroes, and start taking action toward our goals. No amount of money or social support is going to save a person who is unwilling to take responsibility and work hard. Yes, there are situations where we may need short-term external support (due to severe illness, unemployment, environmental disaster, etc.) but that should not become a chronic thing. 

The environment where I was raised certainly had an effect on my beliefs. The Nordic model relies on relatively high taxation to support the public sector to provide public services and social safety net to its citizens. Our “generous” welfare system focuses on redistributing resources to treat citizens more “equally”. To give you an example: the ratio of government expenditure to GDP (gross domestic product) in Finland was estimated to be over 55% in 2023, while in Estonia it was estimated to be 43%, and in the U.S. 38%. Here nearly all mainstream media as well as the education system are harnessed to support progressive ideas, the welfare state model and the belief that taxes always serve the common good. But there’s the other side of the story: high taxation is like a punishment for hard work and innovation. Furthermore, there are always people who try to take advantage of these kinds of public benefits. Heavy taxation and legislation eventually makes the country less competitive, which leads to less innovation and money overall. Companies and individuals with money flee to somewhere else. In terms of happiness, my home country Finland tops the world happiness ranking, but The World Happiness Report (WHR) by the United Nations has been criticized in many ways. For example it only uses six variables to rank the countries to measure global life satisfaction, and some believe it's better for measuring national rather than individual-level happiness. 

I won’t go too deep into my own political beliefs in this blog post but after living abroad, and learning more about Economics, Finance, and alternative ways of building systems and societies, I have become more optimistic and hopeful about the future. Probably the totalitarian actions by the governments during the pandemic were the last straw, after which my political views tilted more to the right - at least in the sense of government interventions and the economic system. I like to take a non-partisan approach but I guess we are all more or less biased. In my opinion hard work and new valuable ideas should be celebrated and rewarded, and not punished since the society as a whole can benefit from them in the long-term. 

Having said all that, without a doubt ideological differences can easily become the root cause of arguments in a romantic relationship. Let’s say one is an entrepreneurial spirit who wants a dynamic society where individuals can rise and fall in competitive free markets where hard-work and talent are rewarded, but the other person lacks ambition and strong work ethic, and believes that governments should redistribute the wealth, and that companies should prioritize DEI (diversity, equity, inclusion) programs to be more “equal” and hiring people from “different groups” and not focus so much on meritocracy. 

You can see now how something as simple as an ideological gap (right vs. left) can lead to disagreements in daily discussions and everyday matters like how to use money, how and where to live, who to hang out with, how to commute, and the list goes on and on. It’s going to be more challenging to fit the person into your world and dreams. Dating a person of the opposite political affiliation can be really rough unless both of you thrive off heated discussions or are willing to find a way to bridge the gap. Needless to say this also depends on how important political compatibility is to you. Some are more passionate about politics than others.  

The emerging global gender divide 

At the beginning of this year I read an article about the emerging global gender divide on Financial Times and soon started seeing similar headlines all over the internet. According to various reports Gen Z (those born between 1997 and 2012) tends to be hyper-progressive on certain things, but surprisingly conservative on others. Interestingly, many researchers have noticed a great gender divide: According a longitudinal analysis by international research agency Glocalities (based on over 300,000 surveys in 20 countries between 2014-2023) there is growing divide between young men and women: young women are increasingly embracing liberal and anti-patriarchal values, whereas young men have become more conservative over the last decade. Whilst in the past every generation used to move as one in terms of politics and general ideology, and both sexes were spread roughly equally across liberal and conservative world views. 

Some try to explain this gender divide trend by the #MeToo movement that went viral in 2017. #MeToo certainly has had a role in triggering strong, even furious, feminist values among young women who feel now empowered to speak-out against injustices or (even hint of) discrimination. Still the progressive vs. conservative divide can be seen in many other political questions like immigration, racial justice, climate change, and gender politics. 

I think the roots for this gender divide can be much deeper. One major factor is how the role of a man and a woman has changed after World War II. There have been huge positive changes in income and education for women - at least in the western world. For example, in Finland where I live, women have the exact same opportunities to educate themselves and progress in their careers as men do - it’s a different thing whether women want to use these education and career opportunities or prefer doing something else. We even have the term Affirmative action (positive discrimination) in Finnish legislation - which, by the way, makes no sense to me. Shouldn’t we all be judged by our skills and merit? Moreover, between 2019 and 2023 we had a women-majority Cabinet in Finland. I would even argue that today in some cases women have it even easier in Finland than young men. We don’t even need to do mandatory military service like young men. Certainly Nordic countries are anomalies on a global scale and there’s a lot of work to do to improve women's rights and educate girls around the world. In many western countries I would be more concerned about the growing gender gap in higher education that can be seen in Europe and in the U.S.: young men are now increasingly lagging behind in education and are confused about their role in the world, which could explain to some extent why young men are leaning more to the right in the political spectrum. 

It has long been proven that women tend to be more picky than men when it comes to mate selection. On average women put more weight on intelligence and have stronger preference for good earning capacity than men do, and men on average have stronger preference for physical attractiveness than women do, and this seems to hold true even in countries with greater gender equality. There is a long list for reasons for sure but one obvious example is the biological fact that maternity (planned or not) changes a woman’s life. Childbirth is fairly neutral for men’s careers, but it typically causes a drop in women’s earnings or at least pauses their career and makes them often financially more vulnerable if they don’t have a strong support network or a financially stable partner. Even when women return to work they tend to favor family-friendly working conditions in the form of flexible schedules and shorter working hours, which is not necessarily supporting their career development and progression. 

By showing these facts I am absolutely not saying that women shouldn’t get educated and earn their money if they want to find a romantic partner. I do think that we all should be empowered to work on our dreams and get a higher education if that’s our goal, and I also think that we all should become financially literate and take care of our financial health. I think it is hugely helpful to have a partner with whom you agree on the roles of a man and a woman in the household, and there is mutual respect towards each other’s goals (shared or individual). This is not always obvious at all - in particular if there are huge cultural or ideological differences. There are many ways of living a fulfilling life that satisfies our needs but you need to be on the same page. 

What I want to point out here is that the findings above could be one factor explaining why young adults have a hard time finding a partner in a world where women are outpacing men in educational attainment and thus, could further explain why the number of marriages and birthrates are declining. Of course these are very complex issues both on the macro and micro level - and there is no simple solution. I also believe that everyone should live their life the way that feels right to them - as long as it’s not harming others - and the society should not add pressure on individuals. 

I cannot help but wonder how challenging it must be now to try to find a heterosexual partner with whom you would find a common ground. Dating apps and hookup culture are certainly not making the situation any easier. If you have a hard time finding a soulmate, I would look in the mirror and ask yourself whether your checklists are realistic - if you use one. It’s probably more fundamental to know yourself, your values, and goals so that when you meet your potential partner you soon notice whether it’s a match or not. You also have to be out in the world to meet people. Dating apps may work for some, but you have to learn to manage them, otherwise you will soon end up in a hopeless loop. Do what you enjoy in life, and go to events where you meet like-minded people who share your values, and interests.

How to navigate when your values and desires clash 

It’s better to communicate our values and desires sooner rather than later. Nevertheless, we want to learn to tolerate some differences and disagreements. Sometimes we need to compromise but we should not feel forced to accept or do something that we don’t feel comfortable with. 

We should look for how we fit together, and how we fill each other’s gaps because there is never going to be a perfect fit, as the psychotherapist and author Esther Perel writes in her blog post. Relationships should be about building something together, and growing over time together. It cannot be just about me, me, me and “what I need” and “what I want”. I know this can be hard if you’ve been living a single life and doing whatever you want and whenever you want for years. It’s not that intimate relationships would make your life less abundant - quite the opposite - but there is now another person and we need to take their needs into account as well. 

If the values or needs clash, you want to prioritize common ground. You want to be genuinely curious and ask questions like how they ended up thinking the way they do. We need to be able to understand each other’s biases and prejudices if we want the relationship to stay healthy and strong. The other key thing is to show humility, and admit our mistakes and learn from them. Sometimes we realize that what we believed to be good and right, is no longer good and right. Showing empathy is powerful: trying to take another’s perspective and understand them. Yet, we cannot escape politics in romantic relationships because they are related to almost everything in life. Shared values lay the foundation for a thriving romantic relationship.

Elina Vuorela
Previous

Transform Your Career Path: Finding Fulfillment and Renewing Your Journey
Next

Summer Detox - Glow From The Inside Out