Modern Relationships and Dating Games
The relationships we have with others can indirectly and directly affect our health and wellbeing. In the IIN (Institute for Integrative Nutrition) Health Coach training relationships are regarded as one part of the ‘Circle of Life’. The people who we surround ourselves with do shape the way we see the world around us, and who and what we can eventually become. And this includes romantic and more intimate relationships, which I’ll discuss in this post. To connect with others is our deepest desire. We have five types of relationship needs: friendship, love, touch, intimacy, and sex. One person can rarely fulfill all these needs. Real connection with others has countless positive health impacts: everything from boosting our immune system to increasing our dopamine (the feel-good hormone) and oxytocin (the love and anti-stress hormone) levels. Contrary to this, loneliness and social isolation are well-known to cause severe health issues.
Our romantic relationships are changing fast and so are our ideas about sexuality. We live in a very interesting and confusing time because of mixed messages. On one hand, there is this movement of sex positivity and empowerment (a little bit of the Brave New World). For example, some more liberal feminists want sex work to be consirered as any other job like the sale of goods, and more and more people are letting go of the typical monogamous relationships and are exploring polyamorous options, meaning that they are having open intimate or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. On the other hand, there is this obsession with the concept of consent and respect - especially after the #MeToo movement - so that you don’t say or do something that might hurt someone. Sometimes the impression we get from the media does not reflect reality. Sex and semi-pornographic images and references are almost everywhere, but several studies have shown how in particular younger generations, Gen Zs (those born after 1996) are more likely than Millenials and Gen Xers to report having no sexual partners.
What’s really going on? Have we become exhausted because of all the sexualisation out there? Or do we have too many other entertainment options, such as video games, social media, online sex, sex toys, etc.? Is it even realistic to expect to find a long term partner, or should you accept the uncertainty and become a serial dater and explore all the colors of the rainbow? Are we too stressed out and busy with other demands to even consider committing to a relationship?
Obviously, there’s no right or wrong way of living a fulfilling life. What works for one may not work for the other. However, life becomes so much easier when you are able to find someone with whom your values, preferences, and aspirations align. Recently I watched an interesting interview with Louise Perry, a writer, on Triggernometry show where she made an interesting point noting that the most advanced societies tend to be built on monogamous relationships, and it makes sense: you can plan and invest in your long-term future when there is less uncertainty and you can rely on someone. Nevertheless, many would argue the exact opposite and regard many of our institutions, such as marriage, as out-dated. And look at the statistics: divorce rates are high and most of us are monogamous with one person at a time - not for a lifetime. My generation is often (stereotypically but maybe, there’s a hint of truth) viewed as self-absorbed and narcissistic: it’s all about individualism, and doing your own thing. So, why would you stay with the same person if you started to grow apart or if there was someone more exciting out there? Life is an adventure we like to say.
Why Has It Become So Hard to Find Someone?
There are multiple reasons for why finding a long-term partner or even a date may have become trickier for many. Dr. Debra Soh, neuroscientist and author, makes a brilliant point in her article: most social interactions for the younger generations happen through digital screens, and this can hugely affect our sexuality. If we spend most of our waking hours behind the screens without real human connection, sex and intimacy can become very foreign concepts and even scary. I remember when the covid lockdowns started in London, how strange and surreal it first felt to have no physical contact with anyone for months (no joke!!), but after a while, I kind of got used to it in a very freakish way and didn’t want to touch anyone even though I wasn’t even afraid of the so-called virus. I don’t know why that happened, and it took a while to feel “normal” again.
This leads to the second point: the difficulty in meeting people in real life. Even now that the world has opened up again, it’s not like a decade ago when we weren’t so sucked into our digital devices and all kinds of online entertainment options. If you get your needs met through online sex, such as porn or webcamming, you may not even have a burning desire for real human intercations. If you get addicted to the weirdest online porn, a real life partner can feel like the most boring thing ever - given that the average person is not a Barbie doll from a fantasy land. I don’t see a problem with online options as long as it happens between adults and with their full consent and awareness of potential harm. Personally I am not interested in those things whatsoever. The truth is that there is a massive difference to real skin-to-skin contact and true intimacy with someone.
Thirdly, on the more macro level there is an imbalance between the supply and the demand. What studies have found out is that sexlessness tends to be particularly common among young men who binge-play video games and/or lack higher education and have no job. Now that women are outperforming men in many educational institutions and out-earn men at workplaces, we have come to a situation where more high-earning women are competing in the dating market that contain fewer high-educated and -earning men. And as Dr. David Buss, who is well-known for his research in human sexuality and mating strategies, has found out, the majority of women don’t like to date down whereas men are often capable of accepting a woman below their mate value. On average, women are looking for someone in higher status and resources (e.g. education, income, power, status) while men are seeking physically attractive, healthy, youthful looking women (waist-to-hip ratio, healthy looking skin and hair, etc.). These are cross-cultural findings whether you like it or not. The good news is that most of us are the average and often willing to lower their “requirements” to find their match. We all know that none of us is perfect. To give you an example, I would assume that some women (as they become older) are willing to lower their standards when they notice that their time to have a family with kids is running out.
On an individual level what might hold some individuals back is the fear of rejection, which can prevent us from approaching anyone or committing to anything more serious. The harsh truth is that the vast majority of us get rejected multiple times during their lifetime - including dating life. I have experienced this countless times. Please do not ask how many! That’s part of the game. We cannot force love. Sometimes we may have a crush on someone or even have a passionate relationship but this does not always lead to a long-lasting love relationship. Personally I prefer hearing the truth instead of being in a confusing situation where things don’t feel quite right or end up being ghosted. Similarly, saying ‘No’ to someone can be a hard thing to do but as long as you do it politely, there should be no reason to get insulted. You don’t want to give people false hope and waste their time.
Expectations and Values Aligned
One thing Esther Perel, couples therapist and bestselling author, likes to point out is her observations of how the concept of marriage has evolved through human history. Never in the history of family life was the emotional well being of the couple relevant. Now we live in a very different world: we have urbanized, we believe in radical individualism and aspirational materialism. Rules and duties have been replaced by choices and desires. But with all this freedom and possibilities also comes uncertainty and confusion. Marriage used to be a pragmatic institution, but now that we have gone up Maslow's hierarchy of needs, we have added the need of self-actualization to the marriage: we want more. We ask from one person what once an entire village used to provide. As she clearly points out, the one and only is a myth. It’s very unrealistic to expect so much from one person, which is the reason why staying in touch with your friends is so important.
And if you start dating someone, things can get rocky if you do not honestly share your values and aspirations. We should never assume anything without discussing things. You don’t know until you know. What I have learnt and heard from others is that there’s no point in trying to change someone. Most of us don’t like to be given orders or told how to live our lives. In spite of that we can always inspire others. Over time, they may change, but we should never step into a new relationship with an expectation that we would be able to change someone. These kinds of beliefs are likely to lead to big disappointments.
Moreover, your standards can be very different to someone else’s. It is easy to assume that others would have similar future plans to us, or that they would understand common terms the same way as we do. Just to give you an example, you may assume that everyone wants to get married, and have a typical family life with kids. Even some “simple” terms, such as monogamous or casual dating, can mean something very different to different people. Or maybe your sexpectations and need for physical touch don’t match. These are all fundamental things and often either make or break a relationship. For instance, I value things like independence, growth mindset, curiosity, and interest in health and well-being. I don’t mind making friends with all sorts of people (you can certainly learn something interesting from everyone), but romantic relationships are a very different story. It’s far from ideal to be in a situation where you need to constantly justify and explain your lifestyle choices, beliefs, and worldviews. There needs to be a common ground or some sort of a unifier.
Why I Broke Up with Tinder
This leads to my Tinder story. I decided to break up with the legendary dating app last fall after three years of using it. The whole thing started to feel like junk food. And never since have I considered going back. That’s the one and only dating app I have used and therefore, I cannot talk about its competitors on the market. It served its purpose but in a different space and time. Then so much changed. I wanted more clarity and stability, and less confusion, uncertainty, and distractions to my life.
Firstly, my personal life has transformed a lot during the past two and a half years. At times it has been overwhelming, and dating was not taking center stage in my life. Sometimes we just need to take time to focus on other areas in life. During the past chaotic years, there were periods when everything looked dark and very uncertain. I was living day by day or week by week at best. I wanted to keep myself sane and get my life back on track and clear my mind. There was zero need for any extra drama.
Secondly, Tinder had turned out to be a never ending loop. As awful as this sounds, it started to feel like a shopping app with the paradox of choice. There were periods when I struggled staying on track with messages, and I remember someone even suggesting that I should hire a personal assistant! I’m sure someone could make Tinder dating a full time job. Probably these online platforms, whether it’s Tinder or OnlyFans, better suit for business purposes rather than as a strategy for more serious human connection. The app is designed to keep you looking for “someone better and more exciting” for the rest of your life. It gives you this illusion, which makes it mentally challenging to even consider committing to anything. This can lead to a situation of high expectations but with low performance. If you start seeing someone, you never know whether they keep on swiping, and therefore, neither of you wants to invest in your situationship.
The third major issue for me was that the app is very superficial. While the vast majority of people tend to choose the best photos of them (and often manipulate them), you may feel like being lied to when you finally meet your unrecognizable date in-person. More importantly, you don’t feel the energy that a person carries through photos, which at least for me is something important. Or what type of values and intentions they truly have! For some this may work just fine - especially if you know that you do not want to commit to anything more serious. Yet, after a while, the Tinder game can become frustrating and feel like going through the same thing over and over again. This does not mean that it’s all bad, but it’s important that you know what you want, and communicate openly and set your boundaries so that you attract the relationships that serve you. Otherwise, things can get wishy, washy.
How To Improve Your Mate Value
The good news is that there is certainly someone for everyone, and if you are like the vast majority of people, you only need to find that right person for you. And if you come to think about it, the standards to find someone aren’t that high. But there are certain things you can do to improve your mate value for sure. To get started pay attention to these things:
Positive mindset and healthy confidence so that you can attract a positive and self-confident person. Like attracts like. If you struggle with your mental health, fix that first! Have a coach, therapist, or a loyal friend to support you.
Be you. Be real. No lies. The truth will always come out and you don’t want to be someone who is not trustworthy.
Find your magic. Why should someone date you? What can you bring to the table that is valuable and unique?
Take care of yourself and others. Eat healthy foods. Exercise. Avoid excess drinking. Good personal hygiene: (body) hair, nails, teeth - you know the basics! Show compassion and have good manners - always.
Have a meaningful job or something ambitious to do. You want to show that you are excited about life and that you care. Neediness is a big turn-off. And being desperate is not sexy.
And if you use dating apps and online platforms, have a decent profile: a few nice, fresh photos taken by someone else (selfies not ideal), as well as an interesting profile description about yourself and your interests. A blank page can be seen as a sign of laziness. But always be open-minded! Diversification is probably a good idea. If you struggle with the dating game on the apps, there are a zillion other ways to meet people in the real world: hobbies, concerts, grocery stores, cafés, events,... you name it! Usually the best things happen in life when you least expect them.
Lastly, remember not to take yourself too seriously! What I have come to realize is that no matter how “weird” preferences and values you have, there are always people out there you can resonate with. Or maybe it is just me who thinks this way. I don’t know. But breaking up with Tinder turned out to be the best thing for me.
Sending You Lots of Love!
RESOURCES:
Podcasts & Shows:
Jordan Peterson: Evolution, Sex & Desire - David Buss
Lewis Howes: The 6 Red Flags You Need to Avoid in a Relationship - Esther Perel
Triggernometry: The Sexual Revolution is Terrible for Women - Louise Perry
Articles:
The New Yorker: Love Is Not a Permanent State Enthusiasm: An Interview with Esther Perel